Couples Connection Workshop,
the 3 Minute Game
The Date Night Game for more fulfilling INTIMACY
ONLINE at 8.00pm Friday March 18 (AEDT)
This workshop has passed, for more events like this see
For some reason, we so often expect our partners to be adept at reading our mind, in and out of bed.
I mean they are meant to know everything about us, right?
However, not many people can truly read another, especially when it comes to partially conscious aspects of ourselves, like our sexuality.
The terrible thing is, is that we rarely, if ever, discuss exactly how we like to be touched. What really works for us and what doesn’t.
We can be years with our partner and they never find out just what our physical accelerators are, what wakes us up, or makes us ache for more… and what throws on our brakes, shuts us down, numbs us out or makes us literally feel sick ( yes, even this is a pretty common experience)
Sometimes we don’t even know ourselves what we like, because we have never taken the time to explore this ourselves.
This is especially common in vlva owners because of conditioning we have that:
one- we are here on Earth for a man’s pleasure, for him to take pleasure from our body or for us
to give it to him and/ or
two- if we ARE to have pleasure it is because a man gives it to us…. we receive pleasure from him, not create it for ourselves
BOTH of these deeply buried, very Patriarchal conditionings are at play in one way or another in most of the women who come to me for sx and intimacy coaching. Together we prise out such untruths and map out a new path towards being present and fulfilled in their own pleasure response.
Back to the main point though, in the bedroom we can both wire ourselves for the same kind of pleasure every time…. and the same kind of displeasure. The pleasure response in our body connects via neural pathways to the pleasure centre in the brain, and these pathways can get pretty well worn in.
It gets easier for our systems to default into these certain neuronal pathways the more we use them. Think of water running down a mountain, it will quickly find the deepest, most eroded channel to take.
This CAN be a good thing- we can train ourselves to have so much pleasure and org*sm through practice, solo or in partnership BUT at the same time this CAN be limiting, especially when it comes to feeling pleasure with new partners.
In the same vein, we can also train ourself to feel habitually annoyed, irritated, repulsed or anxious in intimate moments. Displeasure soon becomes numbness, numbness becomes shutdown. Why bother having s*x, we think, if I don’t get what I need, or when I literally feel nothing?
How does this actually play out?
Well, take for example a woman, who, as much as she loves her partner and feels safe and comfortable with him, feels repulsed by the way he touches her in bed. Perhaps his touch is tentative, and not the strong, sensual and confident touch she craves.
She has NEVER told him this, as she fears it would hurt him or offend him.
Or perhaps she thinks she is at fault, or just broken, or deep down has a belief that she is unworthy of getting what she desires in the bedroom. Or maybe she wonders if she’s made the right choice in a partner.
She puts up with it and rushes into the penetrative aspect of s*x to get it over with, though not physically ready for that and hence doesn’t get nearly aroused enough to enjoy herself ( and maybe there is pain present too.) She never gets to have an org*sm, nor does she get to strengthen that neural pathway to easier org*sm. After a few months or years her body shuts down and she just doesn’t want to be intimate at all anymore. Their relationship becomes another s*xless marriage 🙁
Or, another example- perhaps a man loves having his partner give him oral sx before penetrative sex, to help him get in the mood, but over the years his enjoyment of it has lessened. He feels she is rushing it and is disconnected from him, or that she no longer enjoys giving in this once loving way. He’d love her to look in his eyes, slow down and take her time. It stops working for him so much that he now loses his erect*on, which gets awkward, as she takes it personally and gets upset and now the sx is over before they really get to connect.
But he never tells her why. Because he’s too worried he will offend her, hurt her feelings or seem like a needy asshole. It is difficult for him to even see why this physical change is happening to him. He starts to get anxious around having s*x at all and before you know it he is having erect*on issues whenever they are being intimate.
Can you see the issue here? It’s a simple lack of communication. Our partners may know exactly how we like our tea or our favourite eggs for breakfast, but we’ve never taught them just how our body, our pleasure, works for us.
We’ve just let them get away with guessing, or doing the things that worked for previous lovers, OR to continue with what used to work when we first got together, even though there is so much water under the bridge, several babies, a huge amount of stress and maybe some drastic hormonal changes since then!
Being playful, relaxed and open is the way to build new pathways to a more varied and multidimensional sexual response. Exploring sensation together in a non goal-oriented, lighthearted way, without expectation and with plenty of honest communication, is a fantastic way of opening up to deeper intimacy and more pleasurable sex. mixing it up and keeping it fresh. And it’s super sexy!
So, as a way to help you thrive in your intimate relationships, I have a new online workshop coming up for couples, exploring The Three Minute Game- a playful and communicative way of connecting and getting to know your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together.
This is based on the work of Betty Martin and is as much about asserting healthy boundaries as exploring pleasurable touch. Boundaries are the container in which we find safety, and hence thrive!
I am offering this ONLINE at 8.00pm Friday March 18, Melbourne time (AEDT)
How it works: you come along with your partner, like a little date. If your parter isn't available could do this alone and take notes in the touching part, and then practice it with a partner later. A recording will be available.
You can also invite a non sexual partner to join you in this workshop.
First we drop into our bodies to settle the system and feeI into the present moment as it exist in your body right now, as sensation.
Then I will lead you through 4 different ways of exploring touch with your partner with full consent and communication, with presence and commitment to truly honouring your bodies Yes and NO.
t is about both giving and receiving touch - with the specific nuance of serving, taking, allowing, accepting.
At in-person events I lead people through this without explicit sexual touch, however online you can do whatever it is you both desire, sexual or otherwise, as your cameras will be off and no one can see you!
It is a short workshop as really it’s quite simple, and as everyone is so busy these days I have been enjoying keeping my offerings around about an hour long. You can stay and ask questions after if you like.
I’ll be recording it and you will have access to that for a month after the workshop.
The cost is just $35 AUD for a couple
Bookings right here!